QUESTION

What do you think I look like? Seriously. I'm curious about your answers.

IF..

If they only knew how broken I already am inside.

All I want to do now is curl up and cry.

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I used to be his favorite.. then something stupid happened. And now, we don't talk to each other anymore. Hell, I don't even look at him when he's here.

Btw, I don't live with my parents, I live with a relative. He's just here when he has to run some errands.

I can't believe the good relationship I had with my father is already history. It started 5 or six months ago. He tells me that I'm lazy, and makes me feel useless, and worthless, and treats me like shit. I felt like I didn't even know him anymore. I always get blamed for everything. Even when I'm just trying to help someone, I still get blamed. When I try to explain my side, they think I'm rebelling against them. If I don't explain, they end up with the conclusion that they're right.

I was born 7 months premature and the doctor said I wasn't gonna live. He's probably regretting that that didn't happen. At least, we have something in common.

He'll be arriving in a few hours. Here's to the coming days which would be full of us ignoring each other.

Z TALKS ABOUT SUICIDE.

I tried to kill myself 4 years ago when I was about 14 or 15 because of some stupid reason. I ground some expired pills and drank them before I went to sleep. I agree, it was totally stupid. Very very stupid 'cause they weren't enough to kill me, only enough for my body to palpitate and for me to skip school the next day while vomiting that whole day. And to think I even wrote a suicide note for my family to find. Anyway, they never get to read it. Hah. Really stupid of me.

So I swore that the next time I'd try to do that, I'd make sure that it'll work.

By the way, the pills tasted NASTY. nasty, I tell you.

Z’s DREAMS

Okay, this is different from the previous entry. This is about my dreams. Literally. I’m gonna talk about this event that happens in our REM, Rapid Eye Movement. Yeah, DREAMS.

Déjà Vu. It’s normal to me. I have dreams that really happen. I mean, really happens in my life. The thing is, I don’t remember the dream until it happens. Really hard to explain this. Ugh. It’s like, when you’re walking along this certain road. You know when you’re walking on it for the first time, and you know when you’ve already passed that road before.  The latter usually happens to me, it’s just that, there’s no way that I could’ve walked that road. Absolutely no way. So there, I hope you got my explanation. :P

I also have strange dreams. And when I say strange, I mean strange. Let me tell you a few of those.. I once dreamt of wolverine and that I was part of the X-MEN and that we had to rescue Cyclops and Rogue. I once dreamt that I was romantically involved with a celebrity (I barely thought of him before I had that dream). I once dreamt of murdering a schoolmate of mine. Well, not really murdering, but disposing of the body. The most gruesome dream I’ve ever had, I don’t even want to go to the details of how I’ve disposed the body.

That would be all for now. You all take care. *hugs*

DAYDREAMING IS BAD FOR YOU

Just Kidding.

 

I daydream a lot. Wanna know why? ‘Cuz my dreams are better than my reality. Dreaming is the only way I can escape from this reality. Even for just a moment, I can be happy in my own world, where I can have what I want whenever I want it; where everything would turn out how I wanted it to be. Though at times, instead of feeling happiness, I feel the opposite. Because I know they’re just dreams, just a pigment of my imagination. They say dreams come true. It’s not true. At least for me, it’s not. Hasn’t happened to me before.

BEST DAY

Have you checked out Taylor Swift’s video for “The Best Day”?

I envy her.

I envy her BIG TIME.

I can’t help but cry as I watch the vid.

I wonder if she knows how lucky she is to have a family like that.

I wish I had the same encouraging family as she had.

I wish I had the same loving family she has.

I wish I know what it feels like having your mom being there for you.

I wish I could say the same for my father.

I wish I could say the same for my mother.

I wish I could say that I had the best day as well.

But I can’t.

Z SAYS SORRY

           I’d like to apologize for the previous post. :( I wasn’t myself when I wrote that. I won’t be deleting anything. MMMKAY? :) And I won’t be saying stupid things like that again. :)

DELETING IN 10sec...

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I haven't opened this blog for quite some time. Yeah, aside from being pretty busy at school.. I guess I've lost interest in writing here.

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I'm actually considering whether or not to delete this blog.. I don't know.. I don't think I'm being productive here. :[ In fact, I don't think I've ever been productive in my life. :[[

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Whatever. Just click on the 'Z SUCKS' so this would all be over.

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UPdate

been pretty busy these past few days and I'm really really losing interest going to school. Not that I have any interest at all, well, it's just that, before, I used to 'not care' if I go or not 'cuz I have my allowance and shits like that.. but now, I rarely see some friends at school, either they've already graduated or have a different schedule from mine. It's just been boring nowadays.. I really don't want to go to school anymore.. aaggghhh, fuck my life. I just wanna bum around, watch tv all day, do creative stuffs. I fucking hate my life.

And I know that this is SO random and SO late.. it's about the "chris brown beating rihanna" shit. I think chris brown isn't that guilty as he's projected by this stupid media. I see it as a one-sided report that show's the victim and her bruised face, and then the result would be people disliking chris brown. I think, Chris wouldn't do that to Rihanna if she hadn't done anything to provoke him that would result to her beating. Well, that's just my opinion. Go ahead, hate me for speaking my mind. But guess what? you can go fuck yourselves. Thanks for wasting your time reading this shit. I love you too.